Hysterical Shaming

Hysterical shaming

In yoga the other day one of the women talked about her “belly poof” (which I couldn’t even see) and loudly started talking about her c-section as the reason why she had this belly poof – the woman next to me, whose stomach is flat as a pancake said, “Then what’s MY excuse?!” and I then thought “Sheesh – what is MY excuse?!”  (You see the boomerang of publicly self-shaming?).  Giving “excuses” for your body (such as children or surgery – which in and of itself implies that you have something to APOLOGIZE for (see my previous post on motherhood and bodies)) only opens the door for the woman standing next to you to think something must be even more wrong with her if she doesn’t have a similar excuse.  The only thing that makes me more ashamed of my “belly poof” is the fact that I don’t have any children to “blame” it on.  And it only causes me anxiety of how bad it will get if and when I do have children – and that is an anxiety I just don’t want to have.  This dynamic of feeling ashamed about my body when another woman berates her own body is one I have had throughout my life.  When a friend, whose body I think is beautiful and that I might even envy says that she is fat or disgusting I can’t help but think that she must think that I am even fatter and more disgusting.  And even if she is not thinking that about me I certainly start thinking it about myself (geez if you aren’t perfect then I’m REALLY not perfect). 

I remember very distinctly a moment when my step-sister, who was so tiny in high school she could buy outfits at GAP Kids, declared “I’m so FAT!” so loudly that it seemed to reverberate through the house, out the windows and through the entire neighborhood. And I declared back, equally as loud, “If you’re fat – then I’m Shamu!” (the beloved Seaworld whale, for those of you too young to know the reference).  I was trying to make her feel better about herself but in that moment I revealed my own body-shame and self-hatred.  For a long time I found my step-sister’s body to be a cause of my own body shame.  She was a petite teenager whose hormones didn’t seem to impact her weight at all (from my perspective) whereas my body that up until that point had been muscular and of average weight became overweight.  Everything she had (popularity, boyfriends, cute clothes) I told myself was because she was skinny and, as it follows, that I did not have those things because I was not skinny.  If she thought of HERSELF as fat – she must have thought I was hideous – or so I thought.  Regardless of what she thought of me her loud and vocal self-shaming extended to me and instigated my own compulsory self-shaming. 

I don’t think women are conscious of the impact they have when they shame themselves in front of other women.  Unless you say, “I’m feeling fat today – but damn you’re looking HOT” (which sets up a no less awkward exchange – what are you supposed to say, “No I’m NOT hot you are” or “Yes I am” OR “thanks but so are you” – which is only fishing for a complement) there always seems to be an invitation to other women to chime in and say, “Yes, I’m fat too!”  It is like a hysteria that spreads by power of suggestion.   It is a sisterhood of body shaming that you’re supposed to want to be a part of in solidarity with your sisters and soul-sisters, co-workers, friends, mothers, etc.  If you don’t insult your own body it feels as if you are implying that you indeed think your friend is fat.  However, a while ago I decided to at least not participate in the body-shaming; if a woman says “I am so fat” I don’t say, “so am I” – I say, “I think we are ALL beautiful and strong.” Maybe we can deepen the conversation and say, “I’m feeling fat because the media photo-shops women to the point of non-recognition and that makes me feel inadequate” or, “I’m not feeling good about myself since I had children and I want to explore how I can feel more empowered.”  “I feel fat” is the song that we women have been trained to sing since we were little girls (more on that to come) and it actually really isn’t saying much.  If women of all sizes, including size zero women are inclined to say, “I’m FAT” then clearly those words don’t have much meaning except to say, “I don’t like myself and I’m ashamed of my body.”

Today, I am taking a pledge to not criticize my body in front of other people (I can’t yet commit to not criticizing it in front of myself) and I hope that you will join me in this pledge.  Let’s say empowering things about ourselves, about other women and to each other.  Let’s have frank and honest conversations about what our relationship is with our bodies and not perpetuate the oppression of our bodies.